Happy 5th Birthday, Brave Girl

Hey Friends,

Five years ago today, September 30, 2020, I released a very special album called “Brave Girl” - a vulnerable, honest, shocking, sensitive, and extremely personal story of songs, centered around its signature song.

“Brave Girl” was initially written as a diary song, a letter encouraging myself to heal from repetitive sexual and emotional abuse in the music industry. After months of writing, admitting to myself what happened, weekly therapy, struggle, and some internal healing, I finished the song and recalled how far I’d come. I then considered my husband Peter’s patience, gentleness, humility, and understanding, and appreciated my sons Lee and Adam for their love, sympathy, and grace. I also considered the professional counseling I’d received, guiding me through my memories and trauma to bring me confidence and clarity.

Thinking on these things, I knew there were fellow survivors who didn’t receive emotional empathy nor therapy to heal. This special song needed to be released. After months of prayer and consideration, I decided to record a new album, one I’d center around this special song.

December 2019 through July 2020, I spent time in the studio, along with my producer Mark Troyer (Evergreen Sound, Calgary). While I wrote/cowrote the songs (5 of the 7 songs on the album), Mark gave his talent and worked tirelessly on each song to bring it to its full potential. Mark is a gentle, considerate, patient, and godly man, and was exactly the right producer for the job. Thank you, Mark.

Filming the “Brave Girl” video was momentous and healing for me. Bill and Jacqueline Clements (TCF4 Productions, Calgary) gave me direction but also comfort and stability. Thank you, Bill and Jacqueline, and crew, for your gentleness and kindness.

Recording this album was emotionally hard work, but the emotional toll in releasing it was still to come. I’d first need to share this side of myself with my parents and sister, my husband’s family, my close friends, my pastor, my day-job boss.… I prayed over this for weeks prior to the release.

Recalling how friends or family have individually responded in my life’s past moments, I knew that their reactions would vary. Some would respond with a willingness to listen, and have compassion, patience, and understanding, while others would question my sanity and be more impatient, harsh, critical, and distant.

Days prior to the album release, I called my closest friends and my family to share my story behind my upcoming album. Most were compassionate and willing to learn in how to support me best, but others were not. Today, there are still the few who refuse to learn, listen, have empathy, or understanding. Five years later, relationships remain strained or have been lost, adding more hurt and an obstacle in my healing.

I’ve also have begun to have physical setbacks, for which I continue to seek treatment. No longer able to sing and perform, I’ve opened myself up to speaking and sharing opportunities.

Over these past five years, I’ve learned that as a whole, we do not know how to respond to another person’s pain well. We haven’t been willing to listen or learn about abuse, trauma, PTSD, and healing. We need to do better, not only to support survivors but to understand who God is and what His will is for us.

In that, I’ve included thoughts, such as these, in my speaking and sharing -

"Like most girls while growing up, I was taught to be polite. While it seemed right and beneficial, it was exactly the reason why I didn't learn or know how to value myself, protect myself, and defend myself…”

“‘When you teach your daughter, explicitly or by passive rejection, that she must ignore her outrage, that she must be kind and accepting to the point of not defending herself or other people, that she must not rock the boat for any reason, you are not strengthening her prosocial sense; you are damaging it... and the first person she will stop protecting is herself.’ (Martha Stout). How a girl has been raised (conditioned, taught, programmed, trained), is the measure she will use to value herself...”

“‘Why would you work with someone like that?’ is hurtful. I didn't google, ‘Perverted Producer’ or ‘Manipulative Musician’. That wasn't in my criteria. I was honored to work with someone of his caliber and place in the music industry - who would give that up? I numbed myself to his ugly side. His frequent compliments to my talent and perks overshadowed the ugliness of our time together. Abusive men like him are deceitful, methodical, calculating, conniving, gaslighting, narcissistic, and manipulative…”

“It's been said, ‘Not leaving sooner is not an indication or a measure of a victim's strength or intelligence. It has more to do with the severity of trauma they have experienced.’ (Shahida Arabi). Years of being taught to ‘Forgive and forget’, without requiring a show of remorse, repentance, and change of behavior only trained me to stay and not consider what it was doing to harm me…”

“When I have shared my abuser's name with those in the music business to forewarn others, I often hear ‘But he's such a nice guy!’ My response is, ‘Yes, he is a nice guy, and he uses that persona to lure and deceive, hide his agenda, keep up his reputation, and to convince everyone he isn't capable of doing harm.’ Abusers don't abuse everyone. They are charming, kind, and narcissistic. They have mastered their ability to keep their abusive side private, and scapegoat the few while maintaining their image to everyone else…”

“Abusers do not suffer from anger management problems or impulse control. It's actually quite the opposite - They have perfected managing their anger and impulses when there are witnesses...”

“‘Telling a survivor to 'leave it in the past' is dismissing the reality of their nervous system and body. No one wants to relive traumatic experiences on an ongoing basis. Survivors respond to past trauma because they are traumatized, not because they are unwilling to let go.’ (Nate Postlethwait)…”

“‘Trauma does not have to make you stronger. We demand that victimized people do emotional labor to make the rest of us comfortable.’ (Zawn)…”

“If you have someone in your life who has come to you with their story, consider it a gift. While it's awkward for you, imagine the awkwardness they felt sharing it with you. They have valued you enough to trust you. If you don't know what to do, seek counseling or professional advice to ask how you can be their support, then do it…”

“Forgiveness is not tolerance. It is handing the abuser over to God as Ruler for His final say. He will see to them in the here and now, in eternity, or both. In the meantime, it’s okay to distance yourself to protect yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually as needed…”

I also share my sympathy, empathy, understanding, compassion, and love for fellow survivors. Their responses have been memorable -

“I just admitted to myself that it happened to me, when I was a girl. I don’t even know where to start.” (A senior woman’s comment. My response was “You just did. I’m proud of you.”)

“It happens to men, too.” (Man, looking to be heard, believed, accepted, helped)

“Thank you for accepting me.” (Woman)

“Now I know how to help my friend better. Thank you.” (Junior High School girl)

“Could you please talk to my pastor and church? They haven’t been there for me.” (Younger woman)

“How did you survive that? I need help.” (Man, telling me his own story of childhood abuse)

Sharing my story in song has been difficult yet incredibly rewarding. And, God has provided opportunities for me to share in gatherings, podcasts, and TV interviews. The responses have been amazing.

I continue to speak, to share about my experience with abuse and healing and what I’ve learned, but also to show empathy for fellow survivors and provide advice to their circle of family and friends. I’d love to share at your church, school, women’s group, youth group, group home, club, church retreat, or organization (ages 12+). I’m also available for online appearances. Please inquire by clicking on Contact in the main menu on my site, and filling out the form.

Friends, THANK YOU. Thank you for buying, downloading and streaming my music, for sharing my videos, for coming out to my appearances, for sending your encouraging messages, and for your prayer support. I love hearing from you! I appreciate you!

My closest friends Rachel, Vickie, Pammy, Brent, Karen, Laurie, and Darren & Rebecca - thank you. Your agape love and friendship mean more than you know.

Peter, Lee, and Adam, I love you. Thank you for being so incredibly patient, understanding, kind, accepting, humble, and considerate. Your love for Jesus is evident, and you’ve shown His love to me. Thank you.

Brave Girl, I see you. I see your pain, confusion, fear, anger, darkness, and trauma. You are not what has been done to you - You are as God made you. He sees you as He made you and He loves what He sees. You’re His. Surrender your life to him, repent and ask for His grace and forgiveness, then decide daily to live by obedience. It won’t be easy, but His grace is sufficient. He is enough.

“’My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.’ So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.” (2 Corinthians 12:9)

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)

“Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us. Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory.

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.” (Romans 5:1-5)

This isn’t the end - Keep going.

Love,

Rhonda Louise 

“Brave Girl” on YouTube